Thursday, 28 August 2008

Victory for Iggle Piggle and chums!

Bad Mutha has joyous news to impart this week for anyone with a child aged 0-4 years.

That means thousands of lickle babies will no longer be bawling their eyes out or refusing to sleep for lack of decent fodder to watch on telly while mum and dad eat their tea or go to the pub.
Readers may remember the Beeb’s controversial decision back in April to callously pull the greatest children’s television show ever produced (fact).
The shocking story was covered in this very blog and caused outrage in every corner of the globe as parents demanded to know why on earth Iggle Piggle, Upsy Daisy and The Pontypines had been replaced by some boring piffle about zoos.
But after shed loads of complaints - led in no small part by Bad Mutha herself - BBC bosses have now admitted that they were hopelessly wrong to move ITNG from its regular slot at 6.20pm.
Okay, actually, they’ve said no such thing.
Instead, they’ve quietly shoved it back in the Bedtime Hour assuming no-one will notice or make a fuss.
But Bad Mutha notices and makes a fuss about everything.
Oh, The Beeb will say it was always intended as just a “temporary move” and they have to “keep their schedules fresh.”
Would they suddenly drop EastEnders just to “keep their schedules fresh”?
Course they wouldn’t (although it might not be a bad idea the way that show is going).
Sometimes you’ve got to acknowledge the fact that viewers, especially me, know best.
So let’s all look forward to tomorrow night, when we can once again hear the blessed Sir Derek Jacobi uttering those strangely comforting words:
“There’s someone I know, who’s safe and warm and they’re drifting off to sleep...”
There. Doesn't that feel better?

Thursday, 21 August 2008

Left holding the baby - HELP!!!!

DD1 and DP are both off on holiday without me for a week from tonight.
Before you ask - no, they’re not going away together. They’d end up murdering each other or causing an international incident or something.
No, DD1 is off on holiday to Somerset with her best mate and family. And DP is going a bit “Ray Mears” - walking the Cornish Coastal Path. Well, you know, as long as it doesn’t rain or get too muddy or anything.
Ordinarily, I would be ecstatic about the thought of spending seven days in the house without those two cramping my style.
But, these days I have a slight irritation to contend with.
DD2 - aged 16 months.
Lordy, it’s hard keeping my psycho toddler entertained.
She can’t keep her mind on anything for more than two seconds. And if she doesn’t get her way immediately then boy is there hell to play.
Usually, I can shirk off and let her big sister or dad take over for a bit while I do something really important, like the dishes or the ironing or watching Coronation Street.
But this will be the longest stretch I’ve ever had to endure with her.... ALONE.
I know other mums seem to manage fine with kids, filling their days with lovely craft activities and book-reading and other fluffy gorgeous stuff.
I usually end up bunging her in the car seat and dragging her round Victoria Centre. Well, she does seem to like it in Monsoon for some reason. Must be all that weird colour.
I do wish I was one of those fabulous mums who is able to spend time with small children and be really brilliant at it.
But much as I love my little monkey, I won’t half be looking forward to those 7pm bedtimes next week so I can crack open the Pinot Grigio.
Anyone got any tips?

Friday, 15 August 2008

I name this baby..... Ethel????!!!

There was one of those classic “let’s point out the bleedin’ obvious” surveys in all the papers this week about baby names that are falling out of fashion.

Apparently, no-one these days wants to call their cute little baby girl Ethel, Norah or Ada.

And for ’ickle boys, names like Ernest, Clifford or Leonard are, amazingly, no longer popular.

Well, of course they’re falling out of fashion. They are all blardy horrible names.

Imagine the looks you’d get at toddler group if your little bundle of fun was doing something naughty.

“Ernest, Ernest... don’t do that dear!”

Cue huge guffaws from other mums for the next three hours.

Mind you, they’re not as bad as some of the slightly more modern names from the 60s and 70s - which sound even more stupid today.

Trevor, Gary, Nigel, Marie, Denise, Sharon - no baby would ever survive with such hideous monikers in 2008.

Naming your baby is a very personal decision, we’re always told.

No, it’s not.

You also have a public duty to ensure your offspring does not end up looking like a total pillock.

Not that I support going for the most "popular" name of the decade either.

If people were banned from calling their son Jack from now on, I wouldn’t be at all bothered.

It is a boring name and there are too many of them. Think of something else.

Similarly, there are quite enough Olivias and Megans, these days.

If you are thinking of calling your children any of these, you are obviously very dull and need to get out more.

Here’s some much better options from the world of showbiz to inspire you...

* Moon Unit (Frank Zappa)

* Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson)

* Sage Moonblood (Sylvester Stallone)

* Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee)

* Camera (Arthur Ashe)

Go on, get to the register office quick...

Friday, 8 August 2008

She's a talking miracle...

It’s fair to say that most of the time kids in general and small ones in particular give you nothing but grief.

But okay, I will admit occasionally they do make you laugh.

DD2, who is now 16 months, is currently perfecting her linguistic skills.

I’m told some toddlers don’t talk at all until they’re about three - so I don’t know what’s gone wrong with my nipper.

She’s already got a vocabulary as extensive as most teenagers’.



Sit down

Get down




Kitty (fave toy)


Ninny (drink)









Olive (honest, she’s quite sophisticated)

Mummy (to daddy)

Daddy (to mummy)

Child genius isn’t she?

She also does a very passable rendition of Twinkle, Twinkle - perfectly in tune, of course.

One of my favourites, though, is when a total stranger sees her and gives a friendly smile.

She’ll respond with an evil look and a genuinely threatening: “Wot?”

Most amusing.

Then, there’s her brilliant impressions.

She’s taken to copying most of what the Bad Mutha household says - which means we’ve all had to severely curtail the swearing, abuse and blasphemy.

But we were so proud the other day when a group of students were admiring her as we waited to get on the Dublin to Holyhead ferry.

As they smiled down and said: “Hello!”, she grinned back and did a marvellous: “A-ha!” in the manner of Alan Partridge during his Knowing Me, Knowing You era.

They nearly wet themselves. DD2 was delighted.

So - is my kid a one-off or can your tot say anything supremely funny?

Post your examples here...